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I will show you how I want you to jerk your cock JOI. Most are operable via batteries or tiny motors which are not compatible with water or moisture of any kind.

There are several cock rings on the modern market that have peculiar shapes, including those that are big, small, bulbous, or better yet with perineum stimulators.

Used during sex or masturbation, these accessories can put the O back in orgasm with a quickness.

For expert masturbators only, prostate massagers tease and tickle the anal canal while you play with your nuts and berries, not to mention they come in a variety of shapes and sizes.

On the other hand, electronic prostate massagers are little more high-tech, featuring a plethora of pleasure settings and even remote controls in some cases.

As mentioned, you should never be afraid to experiment until the best method is discovered. After all, remember that modern doctors agree about the benefits of regularly spanking your monkey.

Before you go all balls to the wall into this whole masturbation methodology thing, you need to know a few basics first. Below are the top 3 must-know beef-buffing basics that all men should understand whether they admit to masturbating or not.

These little tips and tricks can improve sex no matter how you have it — alone or with a partner. Most men think that only women have special areas on their bodies that intensify physical or sexual pleasure.

Those men are dead wrong. Put simply, never leave your balls hanging. What kind of a guy does that to their best buds? Your dangling dudes are super sensitive and thus, they must be treated as such or your stick will sob sort of.

Keep in mind that balls are one of the most fantastic erogenous zones on the entire male body. NOTE : Carefully cupping your balls during masturbation is also a terrific way to discover spots, lumps, and growths before they get out of hand no pun intended.

Change your position from time to time and enjoy the varying sensations that come about. No joke. Why set yourself up for disaster?

In fact, this unfortunate double-edged sword is partly responsible for erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for some guys. Not even close.

See how far you can get by creating a scene in your head instead. That way, nobody has to know what kind of freak you really are. See how long you can jerk your jewels before cumming, and then try to beat your record the next time.

Much like tantric sex, tantric masturbation requires you to get as close to climax as possible without actually blowing your load.

While it may seem more like punishment than pleasure, it can increase the intensity of your orgasm and decrease the desensitization of your dick.

Talk about a jack-off jackpot. Practice different breathing techniques to see what helps you the most, or even hold your breath a bit to check out the benefits of that.

Tricks may not be just for kids anymore, but that just means you can do whatever you deem necessary to get your rocks off, aside from committing sexual assault or fucking animals, of course.

I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information. Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.

This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes.

The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around.

I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man.

That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges. The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.

Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part. Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow.

I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it.

Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no.

No sir. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.

It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever.

Sky's the limit. Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands.

You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp.

The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator.

Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael. Orion Pictures "Live with me if you want to cum.